what was i made for?

I've been trying to come up with something to write about for months now.

I haven't forgotten about simply trying, but as I transitioned back to school for my junior year, I had to relearn to manage a school schedule with harder assignments, my sorority leadership role, giving tours, and my social life. I also wanted to make sure that I was confident in the words that I was sharing with the world, and insecurity came creeping up on me in ways I wasn't expecting. I started this blog because it was something I had always wanted to do, and at the time, didn’t care what people thought. Something about being back to school makes me care a little bit again.

I love being at Mizzou, and love my friends and the life I've built here. but when you’re around other students each chasing the exact same dream as you, it’s hard to recognize your own greatness. But I have a lot of great things to share, and am biting the bullet and putting myself out there again. :)

So many great things have happened since I last wrote. So many not-great things have also happened. At school, I hosted an incredibly successful philanthropy week for my sorority, raising over $10,000 for our beneficiary, a local shelter for victims of domestic violence. Being the VP of Philanthropy has been one of my favorite experiences so far in college, and has pushed me to be a tougher, stronger, better leader and person. My term is nearing the end, and with our philanthropy week already in the books, I'm realizing that this soon won’t be a part of life anymore. I have learned to love Google Sheets, organizing and communicating to the other members what plans I've made and how we’re going to work together to put them together. It’s been such a rewarding yet challenging experience and I will definitely miss it! But I'm really excited to take what I've learned from my time and transfer it into new things.

My time in this position has also made me think about my future, and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’ve discovered new strengths that I didn’t know I had before, and have loved different aspects of the job that I didn’t think I would, and I’m trying to figure out ways I can incorporate that work into my future. I’m somehow already a junior in college and am watching people around me start laying down the stepping stones to their future careers. I often feel afraid and worried that I don't have that confidence in my future yet. There is still time, there is no rush, etc, but as I gain new experiences in and out of the classroom, I wonder what exactly I should be doing, and what I was really made to do.

“what was i made for” is the title of a song from the new Barbie movie with Margot Robbie. if you haven’t seen it, drop what you’re doing and go watch it. I think that movie actually changed my life, because it made me have a new outlook on my life, and helped me better appreciate everything I have in my life as a woman. I tried writing a blog post about the movie immediately after I saw it (each of the three times I saw it in theaters…), but I kept scrapping every idea I had because my words weren’t doing the film justice. In my words alone though, the Barbie movie made me feel seen and appreciated for being a girl. For being sensitive and fragile at times. For not tolerating people who treat me wrong. For wanting things without having to ask. For still calling my mom for help whenever I don't know what to do. For feeling imperfect. For feeling powerful and confident one day, and the worst I’ve ever felt the next. For loving my body, but then sometimes hating it. For crying over small things. For often feeling left out and alone. For wanting a purpose, but feeling so lost on how to find it. The Barbie movie made me feel appreciated for just being me.

The song ‘what was i made for’ makes me cry every time I listen to it, because I don't know what I was made for. I used to have such a clear picture in my head of what my life would look like. I was dead set on what I was going to do for my job, where I wanted to live, and even the social things I wanted to do as I got older. Now, I'm not sure if I should do this or that for my future career, or if I should live here or there post graduation. Now, it seems like I really don’t know anything.

The song also makes me miss being young. The idea of growing up has always scared me and I still don’t feel like I should be any older than 17. But that’s a whole other story for another time.

I don't know how to feel about my future, my life now, my body, my relationships, or my soul, but someday I might.

So cheesy!!

So much more I want to share, and am excited to dive back into this outlet I've created for myself. I love writing and have missed it. Thank you for reading :)

love, sami