keeping it real.

I seem to be flipping through my life story like it’s a twisting thriller novel I can’t seem to put down, and I’m dying to see what the main character is going to experience next.

Although fiction isn’t reality, there are a lot of similarities between the sequential storyline of a thriller novel and the real world. We see the protagonist being thrust into a strange, but not too-unusual scenario after experiencing hardship. There are plot twists, shocking reveals, and moments where the author drives you crazy, because who in their right mind would have the main character do that? The protagonist’s life is shaken upside down, leaving them unsure of what life really looks like, why things happen the way they do, and if the novel is good, it will leave you not knowing what’s coming next.

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I’ve realized that growing up brings 3 three new realities; time flies faster, the high moments are record-breaking, and the low moments are the lowest they’ve ever been.

I’m becoming more sure of myself and the future I want to live, and embracing the stage of life I’m in. But life (like a thriller novel) does some shit that I don’t understand. And to be 100% transparent, it sucks.

All this creative writing is to say that I’ve been having a hard time recently. I want to acknowledge that my life is still amazing, and I’m so fortunate for everything I have. But, I think it's also important for me to use “simply trying” to talk about hard stuff, even if I don’t have an answer or a positive outlook on it. I want to talk about the things in my life that aren’t all figured out because that’s the majority of what it’s like to be a human.

I’ve been struggling with my mental health a lot this year. As I mentioned, the low moments in life always seem to get older as a new year comes on, and 2023 has brought me some of the lowest points I’ve had.

On April 21st of this year, one of the best humans I’ve ever known died of Glioblastoma, a form of brain cancer. Kelli McLaughlin was my best friend Kayla’s mom and had been fighting her cancer since 2021. Kelli was also my very first boss, and I was one of her very first employees (outside of her own children), at her non-profit clothing boutique called Clothes with a Cause, or CWAC (pronounced quack!). The work that she did at CWAC, and the way that she fearlessly led her small business, even while fighting stage 4 cancer and raising 4 kids, was inspiring in ways I can’t even describe. She taught me about the importance of giving back to others, being kind and genuine to everyone you see, and laughing about mistakes and growing from them. To honor the store, Kayla and I got matching duck tattoos, as a permanent reminder of the impact CWAC had on us. Without Kelli, I wouldn’t have run for the VP of Philanthropy position in my sorority, had the confidence in myself to do hard things, and I definitely would not be the person I am today.

I miss her. I miss working at her store. I miss the person I was a year ago, who couldn’t actually process the reality of losing someone so important; who insisted to herself that there was no way a person like Kelli could die. I miss that naivety.

Grief sucks. It led me to question almost everything in my life. I doubted the genuineness of my friendships when people weren’t there when I needed them. I lost faith in my religious beliefs, because how could God take away a person like Kelli? I doubted myself and my future at Mizzou. I couldn’t imagine being far from home if I lost someone else.

2 days after Kelli passed, after I was able to drive myself 2 hours west and catch a flight from Kansas City to Indianapolis, I visited Kayla and Micah, Kelli’s son and another one of my best friends. We sat, talked, and laughed at memories, and cried. Kayla and Micah talked about the way they were connecting with Kelli even after she had left this life. That night, I was told that her favorite animal was a bunny. I see bunnies all over my campus now (a campus that's famous for its large squirrel population), and look for them when I miss her.

On top of the rollercoaster called Grief, my anxiety has been climbing back up, and my panic attacks have returned from their hiatus. When I get overwhelmed with emotions, and thoughts of being less than, disliked, judged, or simply not good enough, my chest rises and tightens until I can't breathe, while simultaneously pushing tears up and out of my eyes like waterfalls. I call my mom every time this happens, and she helps bring me back to reality, but the thoughts linger, my chest never returning to its upright and locked position.

If I’m not feeling anxious, or missing Kelli, I’m usually okay. But sometimes there isn’t anything specific going on in my brain, and I’m just not having a good day. (The other day, I spilled my coffee while running late for work and felt like calling in sick, because I thought my day was doomed. I went to work and had a fine day - maybe sometimes I'm being dramatic.) When my days aren’t good, or I’m being weighed down with sadness or anxiety, I feel alone, or get bummed out. And it sucks.

Sometimes, life just sucks.

I can’t be wise, profound, or give advice to wrap up this post. I don’t have a pretty bow I can tie around this one yet. Maybe someday, hopefully, I will, with the help of my resources like my therapist, family, and friends.

But right now I don’t have anything else to say about these thoughts, and that’s okay. I think it’s important to share the bad stuff and just keep things real with each other, especially in our world full of falsities.

Thanks for reading and giving love to this blog. I love writing it, and I hope you love reading it.

Love, Sami

To donate to Glioblastoma research: https://give.abta.org/fundraiser/3752565